So I realize that I have been really terrible lately at answering my email, twitter feed, comments on the blog… etc. I just wanted to say that I am really sorry about that, and I know that I have not been as helpful as I perhaps would like to be at this phase of my life. I also realize, after giving an Akashic reading for the first time in months, that I may have also been off my game in my readings, as this really wonderful soul came to me for one, and I may (or may not) have given her an off reading (she just never responded back to me, and I kind of feel her disappointment). I am truly sorry, and I feel really bad for this.
Thing is, sometime in November, I just decided to give up. I just felt that this journey became incredibly difficult and I didn’t feel that it was serving me anymore. It was eating me up inside, and I started to doubt every single experience that I had that pertained to my Twin Flame Journey in the past two years. I have been through a few rather interesting spiritual incidents since 2013-2014, and I decided to ignore all of that completely and just live with the fact that I may have imagined all of it. It was a very difficult pill to chew at first, but it got easier with time. Coming to terms with the fact that perhaps this was not a twin flame meeting but just me going crazy was difficult, and it is very scary and embarrassing to admit that I may be slightly psychotic, narcissistic and schizophrenic to believe that I have been visited by spirit guides and that the woman I love is indeed my twin flame. Ever since November, I buried myself with work so I wouldn’t have to think about it. I started to run away from my fears and completely blocked any thought I would have of the woman I loved. She was happy in her new relationship, so who was I to butt in and burden her with my twin flame energy, so it was time for me to move on – something that I have been trying to do, again and again and again, with moderate to little success, for a few years now. But this time, I just had to do what it takes to finally cut the chords … enough of this twin flame bullshit.
Oh, but twin flames cannot cut chords … “bullshit”, I told myself. Oh, but she is missing you and mirroring your actions / emotions / feelings / whatever … “bullshit”, I told myself. Oh, but she will find her awaken soon and find her way back to you … “bull-fucking-shit”, I told myself. I finally gave into my friends advice and tried very, very, very hard to block the thought of her at every opportunity. I am now very stressed out at work because I am juggling a few things just to escape thinking or feeling anything about it. I stopped meditating, chanting, or practicing anything spiritual because I did not want to give myself the space to unclutter my mind and give an opportunity for her to appear in my thoughts again, and I also didn’t want to believe in any of this again. I ran, and I ran hard and fast.
It also helped that nothing worthwhile has been written on the subject matter – or at least that’s what I felt. Don’t you feel that whenever you do a quick google search about “Twin Flames” or check out the YouTube vids that they are all somehow a recycling of older information? Is there nothing new about this coming out anymore? Its always the same old crap over and over (at this point I realize that I may be offending many wonderful beautiful souls with the best intentions … I do not mean to personally attack your efforts as much as I am trying to depict the state of helplessness I felt regarding the Twin Flame phenomenon, where nothing I read or heard resonated anymore).
So I decided to wash my hands clean off this and start over. I started dating again … had a connection with this beautiful soul from my past which got me excited a little bit again (and then I reminded myself what happened to me the last time I got excited, and forced myself out of it). This is where the readers started to pour in, the messages on twitter started to pile up, and the comments started to go more and more unanswered. It was difficult … it was difficult to communicate with people that felt the pain that I was trying to escape, reminding me of the love I had for someone who – as far as I know – hardly thinks about me at all. I tried to keep up with appearances and communicate with small talk without getting in too deep, but I couldn’t keep up. The more the messages and views on this blog started to grow, the more I felt suffocated. I wanted out, and fast!
It all came crashing down on me late last night, when I was told that my Twin Flame was at the same venue that I was in. My friends afterwards confirmed this, and revealed to me that they saw her. They also revealed to me that she was also in the same venue that I was in the night before, and was standing right next to me at one point in the night. I had no idea … I was in shock. I mean… I had felt my crown and third eye chakra flutter and became rather painful a few hours before that, and at one point at the night I had this pain in the left side of my chest that I hadn’t gotten in a few months (perhaps this was when she was next to me and I didn’t notice her). I was also shocked because I had caught myself people watching and looking out at the crowd a little bit more often than I usually do, and have thought to myself, on BOTH nights, “calm down, relax, she is most probably not here, so stop looking for her” … I also remember asking myself how come I don’t run into her in the events that I attend and was wondering what she was doing at that moment of time. Little that I know that at said moment of time she was inches away from me.
Ever since finding out, I have been in a lot of pain and confusion. Truth is, I don’t want to run into her … I am terrified of seeing her. I wish that none of this would happen, and that I could turn back time and not meet her the time I did, or not wait for her that day we met when she had forgotten her jacket. Had I known the difficult of the journey at that time, perhaps I would have saved myself the trouble and pain that accompanied it. I just wish to go on with my life without hearing anything about her life, without seeing her, without talking to her, or without hearing of her ever again. It would be much easier to convince myself that she was just a figment of my imagination, and erase this phase of my life and never be reminded of it again.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t go that way. She is real. She is beautiful. She is worth it.
It dawned on me right then and there that I have gone from a twin flame chaser, to one that stays still in the waiting room, to a twin flame runner. I am terrified. I tremble at the thought of seeing her. I am terrified. Somewhere in this journey, I went from embracing love to being covered in fear. I am afraid that I run into her and see that I really was not that special in her life, and that all of this was in fact just a figment of my imagination. It would be much easier for me to think it never happened than accept the idea that it was real and I was delusional. The new thing that I discovered is that I am also afraid that I actually am right … what if we are Twin Flames as I had previously stated? Then what? How do we go on with our lives? What do Twin Flames do when they both acknowledge that they are? Can we survive in this third dimensional reality? What are we supposed to do with that bit of information? So yaaay, we are Twin Flames … then what? Its obviously much more than – settle down, get married, get kids, grow old …. what is it then? There is nothing I want more than to grow old with her … but is that it? Here is the main fear: Do I have what it takes to sustain such a relationship / union … am I worthy of it? Can we function as a solid entity and face the obstacles life throws at me? Will she run away again? Do I have what it takes to keep her believing? Can I inspire her to be the best that I could be, as she had once inspired me? Can she love me the way I wish she would?
There it is… my fears… dear readers … I am a runner … That’s why I haven’t been answering. I read your comments, I feel them, resonate with them, send you a heart full of love … and then run away.
Will I continue to run? What else could I do?
This next part is for my twin flame:
Hi, I know you are reading this … I just know, like I knew a lot of other things. Don’t worry, no one knows who I am and no one knows this exists. But, you found me. I didn’t realize you were looking … and you found me. I am not sure you understand how big this is that you actually found me and recognized me. I have nothing else to say except, I miss you. You probably know that already. If we do meet and run into each other – as it seems we narrowly missed each other the past two days – and I turn out to be an asshole, I am sorry … I am just terrified. I will put on a brave face and pretend to be cold, because that is the only dam that is stopping me from giving you a huge hug and kiss you on your forehead. I promise to try and not be this afraid, I just don’t know how …
Hope this message puts a smile on your face, to know that you are missed and cherished, even when you are not around. Sending you love – always.